My First Love

By: Melody Mohnhaupt

“But I have this [charge] against you, that you have left your first love [you have lost the depth of love that you first had for Me]. So remember the heights from which you have fallen, and repent [change your inner self—your old way of thinking, your sinful behavior—seek God’s will] and do the works you did at first [when you first knew Me]…” Revelation 2:4-5

I write this today because I truly have a burden in my heart for the girls who are a lot like I once was. Like most girls, you want love in your life. You want to be adored and excepted and cared for. Nothing makes you much happier than the idea of having a handsome boy who thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. 

Perhaps you grew up in the church and developed a love for the Lord at an early age, or maybe you’re just trying to find the Lord now, for the first time. But what I’ve learned is that, typically, when you are so hungry for love or attention, it usually means you haven't experienced the Lord’s love in an intimate way yet. I hadn't either, so when I found “love” with a boy, it was the realest love I knew. It seemed to fill the emptiness I felt.

I didn't realize that I was trying to fill a void in my heart that only the Lord could fill. I didn’t make the connection between the innate desire the Lord has instilled in us for him and my desire for affection. I believe we were created with these desires to be directed toward our creator. We are designed to crave His love that is so perfect; the only love that can truly satisfy us. But when we are not engaging in a relationship with the Lord, we don't experience this love to its full potential. So, many times, we look for it elsewhere. 

Let me tell you my story.

I was a junior in high school and hadn't experienced a “real relationship” yet. I spent my first two years of high school observing my friends find boyfriends and even though I wasn't desperate for just anyone, deep down I desired someone for myself too. I craved that sort of attention, the feeling of being wanted, the security, and everything else that relationships had to offer. When a relationship that I was interested in finally presented itself to me, I gladly accepted. I found what I was looking for and I was happy.

I was young and vulnerable. I wasn't aware that this relationship (because Jesus wasn’t our focus) was distracting me from what the Lord wanted for me (which was to fall in love with Jesus). But it all just happened so fast. I became so swept away with my emotions that my relationship with the Lord dwindled quickly. Before long, it had nearly vanished. 

I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I could easily navigate my way through a relationship without any trouble. I was certain I was smart enough to figure it out for myself. I was wrong. I had no clue that both our feelings could become so strong that it would change everything. I wish I would have seen how foolish my decision-making was. I wish someone would have told me how much pain and heartache it would eventually caused me.

I wanted to learn for myself. And I sure did. I learned the hard way. I don’t blame this boy for what happened to me. I want you to know that. I was in charge of my own decisions and where my love, affection, time, energy, and expectation was invested. It wasn't his fault. We were both lost and looking for love to fill the voids. We thought we could find it in each other. Little did we know, two lost people couldn't help each other much. We both just ended up getting more lost.

Because of everything I experienced, I came out of it all severely damaged. It was not necessarily by the hurt, (although that took some time to heal from) but my way of thinking had changed drastically during the course of this relationship. My heart had changed drastically as well. I was a completely different person than I was going into it. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. It took me years just to recover from who I had become. So much of me had to be repaired, reprogrammed, rediscover, cleansed, purified, and repurposed.

I’m lucky that things turned out the way they did for me. If I would have died during that stage of my life, I wouldn't have made it. I was so far from God. I am forever grateful that the Lord rescued me and had mercy on me. He went out of his way to bring me back to him and caused me to discover his love in a so much deeper way than I ever had before. It opened my eyes to the counterfeit that I once referred to as love. It couldn't even compare.

After years of still suffering with this same mindset, going from one boy to the next in hopes that the void would finally be filled, I made the decision to chose Jesus. He is perfecting me in his love. It is making me the best version of myself. It brings me joy and gives me a reason to live. It inspires me and provokes me to do all I was destined to do. His love, my first true love, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has made me new.

I actually wasn't planning on sharing this, but it seems fitting for the direction I’ve taken. Please hear me out. Relationships should not be entered into without much prayer and caution. Engaging in a relationship at the wrong time or with the wrong person could be spiritually fatal. It could alter your future. It could cause longterm damage. If a Godly marriage isn't the goal, then what is?

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right” Song of Solomon 8:4 

I’m not telling you that being in a relationship is bad, but use wisdom. JESUS NEEDS TO BE THE FOCUS! The one, most essential, mutual desire. If you are currently in a relationship with a young man, or desire to be: GUARD YOUR HEART! It is so much more complicated to pull the reigns in on your emotions than you might think. They are SO HARD to control. They trick you sometimes. They put you in situations you shouldn't be in. They make you believe you feel things that aren't really true. Sometimes they control you. They are dangerous.

Most of all, I want you to realize that a relationship with a boy can't fill that void in your heart the way the Lord can. At the end of he day, he’s the only thing that Really matters. And when you experience his love, that’s all you need. You won’t envy other girls in relationships and you won’t feel like you are missing something. Your focus will be so much on the Lord that you will be content. In God’s perfect timing he will bless you with a man that He has hand picked for you and that will just be a bonus. You don’t need to keep looking. God’s love satisfies. It’s time to return to our first love.

I leave you with these questions from the song “By Your Side” by Tenth Avenue North.

Take them to heart.

“Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching (as if I'm not enough)?”

 Be blessed.  ~Melody